Is it a friend or a foe? And I’m not taking it in the Toy Story type of way. This question has been on my mind a lot lately. Why? You may ask, “Well, it’s pretty simple; every friendship I ever had ends up as a ‘foe.’” Not really a foe, but yeah, we end up on not really good terms. Usually this wouldn’t bother me, because I’m already used to it, but the last friendship that I had was with this boy, and when it ended, it broke me like nothing ever has. It had me in bed for months, it had me not speaking with any of my family members or even going outside, and it had me depressed to the maximum level. I know you may be thinking, “Come on, girl, it was just a friendship.” Well, for me, it was way more. We had our ups and downs, but we have always managed to come through it.

We had our awkward inside jokes and looks; we knew deeply secret things no one else ever knew about each other; we knew each other’s dreams and inspirations; we knew what to do when the other one was in a mood; we were always there for each other, and no matter what the other person was doing, we were in each other’s backs, always checking up or just sending memes. Because what type of friendship doesn’t send memes to each other? Am I right? In fact, we had the best type of friendship out there. We understood each other and everything in between. But I’m getting away from my point. My point is that I gave him my all, in a friendship kind of way, and the moment that I needed him the most, when I was at my most vulnerable stage, he just walked away without saying a word. He turned away and never looked back, throwing me away like dog shit. After all, was he really a friend or foe? After every late-night call, after every tear we both shared, after every laugh, every good moment, and every bad one, was he really a friend? Or was he more like the wolf in Red Riding Hood calling and tricking its prey?

I’m not saying I didn’t appreciate his friendship while it lasted because I did, but if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t do the same. I would definitely not talk to him that first day in class or invite him to lunch. I would keep my distance as far as possible from him because this pain, the pain that made me stay in bed for months, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Not even the person I hate the most in this world. Which right now, it’s him.

On the other hand, I’m not saying there aren’t friendships that last or that everyone is in a friend-or-foe kind of situation. Because I believe, truly deeply believe, that eventually I will find a friendship, or more importantly a person mature enough that’s going to stand by me for everything, good or bad, as well as me for that person. But only destiny will know my fate. Maybe in the cards it’s written that I will have lots and lots of friends while I continue to enter this adulting life, or maybe it’s written that I will die alone and that people will call me the crazy dog lady (I’m allergic to cats); who knows? All I know is that I’m grateful for being able to wake up each day and live a “normal” life as Godplanned.